The turbulent times of Edward Cullen
by MyFriendPopsPillz
Summary: A true tale of love, rife with chairs, an unplanned road trip and one hell of a cactus. And a pregnancy no one saw coming. Expect the Tentacle Monster.
1. For the Love of Sweden

Disclaimer: Happy Birthday Pam!

Edward Cullen was sitting by the fire, happily knitting a sweater for his lovely mistress Bella. The sweater was a wonderful shade of black and Edward smiled at his achievements.

A little while latter Edwards's smile vanished, as he realised he had to attach the chains and leather. Edward didn't like leather and chains. But his lovely Bella did. Edward paused his thinking to slap his own face – he wasn't supposed to call Bella that, he was meant to only think of her only as 'Master'.

Sometimes Edward forgot to address Bella properly, and she would have to punish him more. It wasn't his fault though, he couldn't help being a little slow. It wasn't his fault at all, really. It was that stupid Carlisle. Before Carlisle had gotten his medical certificate, he had practised on Edward so he could become a "good doctor n' shit". The whole family wanted Edward to help him, which meant he often had to have his brain inspected (Carlisle wanted to be a brain surgeon) or have his pants taken off (Carlisle really wanted to be a brain surgeon).

Edwards's trip down memory lane (a messy, scummy lane of pants-less cat scans) was cut short when he heard a knock at the door. Being the only one home –the rest of the family was playing naked interpretive baseball- he skipped to the door, his face falling when he saw who it was.

"JACOB" he yelled, (unsure as to why) at the very hairy teenager, who was a well developed adolescent despite only being 13.

"Why are you saying my name with capital letters?" asked Jacob, whose powers included 'breaking the fourth wall'.

"I'm not sure…" replied the well chiselled and brooding vampire, whose powers including shining in well lit meadows and walking into walls.

"That's okay, you're probably confused from all those times you weren't wearing pants."

Edward nodded, reminded of Bella again. She never let him take his pants off; it was part of the punishment, along with whips and electrical cords.

While Edward stood with his mouth open and eyes glazed Jacob barged on past and sat himself down in a vacant chair. The chair was uncomfortably new, since vampires didn't need to sit on things, and Bella always used Edward as a chair.

After an awkward half hour –consisting of Edward remaining motionless in the hallway while Jacob pilfered random objects that Jasper had pillaged from unsuspecting corpses- Edward joined Jacob in the sitting room. Which was silly, since why would vampires require a sitting room when they no longer needed to sit?

"Why are you here, oh hairy and badly portrayed comrade?" asked Edward, feeling a surge in his vocabulary.

"Because, my apple catching, woman stealing friend, I went to the bakery today." Jacob pulled out a rigid cylinder from his pants.

"I got some bread. Some sweet, sweet fresh bread." He brandished the loaf of bread in Edwards's dead face.

"That's a nice piece of bread and all, but what was it doing in your pants?" asked Edwards, proud at his abilities to notice the tiny details and keeping his mind focused.

"You're right; it is a nice piece of bread. Its firm, and hot, and oh so fresh" he shoved the bread into Edward's even more dead face.

"Yes, I can tell" said Edward, between spitting crumbs. He decided it really wasn't worth asking why Jacob had put the bread in his pants, as it would only result in more bread to the face. Besides, Jacob always kept things in his pants; it seemed like some sort of foolish mortal trait, since Bella did it too.

"So, where's the folks?" asked Jacob, as he bit in to the lush loaf of steaming bread

"Ah, their playing interpretive baseball…naked" replied Edward, his attention caught by the unbelievably sweet, tempting baked goods.

"Of course, of course" said Jacob, taking on the role of good English gentlemen, and pulling a monocle out of his pants.

"I supposed their lying on the field right now then?" he asked, pulling out a pipe form his pants as well and smoking it with gentlemanly puffs

Edward nodded. It was common knowledge around town about 'naked interpretive baseball'. Edwards's family would hike their way to the mountain top, strip naked and lie on the middle of a baseball field, holding metal bats in the hope they would be struck by lightning. Edwards's younger sister, Alice, told them when she got the right voltage, she could 'see' the future. Bella had joined them once, but had left early stating she preferred the simpler, messier way of snorting large doses of cocaine, supplied by her dubious and opportunistic father.

In response to the previous paragraphs explanation of the Cullen debauchery, Jacob was going to reply that he believe Edward would make the most beautiful of all the crack whores, but was rudely interrupted as Bella Swan burst through the door.

"LIKE HELL YOU'LL COMPLIMENT MY GIMP" she yelled, having not only Edwards's ability to speak in caps lock, but Jacobs' ability to break the fourth wall. She knew Edward was a fickle and dim witted man, whose loyalty could easily be bought by a hairy boy with a loaf of half swallowed bread, and she refused to loose the most submissive boyfriend she'd had in years to a loser that hit on the neighbour hood dog weekly.

Using super human strength –yet still very mortal strength, so perhaps it was steroid induced strength instead?- she picked up a chair and made to hurl it into the werewolf.

"NOOOOOOO!" cried Edward, who thought it was time for caps lock again

"Oh who cares Edward!!!? You don't even sit on chairs!!" she screamed, hurling an ergonomically designed beige armchair into the hairy boy.

"That's not the point! Mummy says it suits the house! We have to have the appearance of wealthy assholes!" he ducked as Bella lifted the sofa in her mighty arms and threw it through the window at a now escaping Jacob

"You drive Volvo's EDWARD! VOVLOS!"

"THEIR SWEDISH I KEEP TELLING YOU, DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH SWEDEN? DO YOU?"

At that moment, Bella had a problem with everything –it was her job after all, to mass manufacture complaints. At any other time, she would have remained to inform Edward exactly what was wrong with Sweden and its cars –she had a wonderful link to IKEA, but wasn't sure if Edward was aware of who that was, since, he was yet to comprehend the true use of chairs.

Instead, Bella climbed out the window, using her agility and superhuman strength –wait no sorry, Edwards supposed to be the man in this… never mind- and chased after Jacob.

Edward stood, mouth gaping, as the love of his life ran down the street screaming at homewreaking and cowardly hair monster. Looking down at the debris, he noticed he had yet to finish his sweater for Bella, and picked up the knitting needling, absently wondering when she would be home.

_To Be Continued????_


	2. Little Johnny, we knew you not

Little Johnny screamed as his father was thrown through the window like a used condom. Johnny's Father's rapid propulsion was given by the ridiculously strong arms of a young teenage girl, known as Bella Swan. Having disposed of the feeble humans, Bella was free to ransack the living room (no pun intended), since she had only just run out of chairs in the hunt for Jacob. Said Hairy Boy was nowhere to be found, believed to be trapped under the rubble of an imitation Louis XIV.

At that exact moment (5pm fictional time) the semi werewolf teen emerged from a tangle of bloodied limbs and a purple recliner, both proving the author wrong as well as highlighting the utter carnage the two lustful delinquents had caused.

Bella screamed in frustration, aware that there were no more chairs in plain sight at which to hurl forth at Jacob.

At this point in time, Little Johnny wondered why life was so cruel, so short, and so messy, as Bella threw his high chair across the street at Jacob, not bothering to take Little Johnny out first.

The highchair never met with Jacob's hairy face however, as it was intercepted by a large Moving van. If it wasn't lucky enough that he had dodged a flying, restrained and crying baby, then let's just push the boundaries even more, by adding that this particular truck contained a delivery from none other than IKEA.

You could say that Bella never knew what hit her, but even a douche bag notices when their face is crushed by a 5 Seater Sofa.

Like the honourable, four legged sexual deviant that he was, Jacob fled the scene in the hopes of finding a safe place to hide.

_Meanwhile_

Edward had abandoned the doomed knitted sweater, and instead had put his creative talents into scrap booking. Tongue slightly poking out, feet strewn along the carpet, his face contained the air of slight constipation, finding trouble with the fine art of 'pretty documentation'. This perhaps may have been due to the fact that Edward was not allowed to use real scissors, since they were for "Big Boys", and Jasper had stolen his glue for a maths project. Said project involved absorbing the glue via the nose, because how else was he supposed to feel and hear the numbers at the same time?

Knowing nothing of the ways of drug induced euphoria, or how to fold paper, Edward amused himself with the crayons.

"_Edward….."_

And then Edward heard a voice

"_Edward……"_

A voice so soft, so spongy, it was like cheap candy in his ears.

"Hello?" asked Edward, because he was unsure of the required greeting to voices in ones head.

"_Hello, my lovely sparkle monster. I have been waiting for you" _said the voice, and although he was unable to explain or truly understand it, Edward had the distinct feeling that someone was touching his brain inappropriately.

_Somewhere in a useless town, in an even more useless sports store_

"You there, aren't you that hairy child who watches my brother in the shower?"

Jacob cursed, having been seen by the infamous Alice, whom we all know to be the sister of Edward, and notorious for her use of naked baseball.

Ducking between the various sized gold clubs –and taking note to purchase the larger one for private use when he wasn't busy dodging chairs- Jacob cursed his foolish plans to hide in a Sports Store.

He had though it was a wise decision, since Bella was often prone to ignoring the laws of physics –mainly gravity- and thus was not a particularly good sports man. Or sports woman. But let's leave the volley ball team out of this, they've suffered enough.

Surprisingly enough, Alice seemed to be highly aware, to the point where one would suggest she was in fact sober.

"I broke my baseball bat" said Alice, answering both the reader's questions and Jacobs, before he even asked. (A side effect to the copious amounts of time spent being struck by lighting naked)

"Er… that's nice" replied Jacob, who was so distressed by now; he was unable to use any dialogue to progress the story at a reasonable pace.

"Nice, is it? Nice? I haven't been able to get a spark in ages, and you think that's NICE?"

Jacob backed slowly into a corner, wondering if it was safer to surrender to the onslaught of a promiscuous junkie, or admit he planned to steal Edward away from Bella with the use of a very thick leash. A hard… leathery… thick leash.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean nice, I meant awful. It's terribly awful." Placated Jacob, since he harboured no wish to die. There were far too many seeds to sow, and he had plans to grow even more amounts of hair on his body.

Alice continued to demonstrate the Cullen deficiency (a rare gene that prevented logical thought… reasonable appearances or good taste in sexual partners), taking hold of Jacob's furry arm and making grotesque, yet arousing gestures.

"Please…no…" cried Jacob, whose greatest fear was to be touched by a woman.

"I'll help you… I'll get you something else… I'll get you more drugs…yes?"

Alice smiled; the best kind of drug mule after all, was one that matched a real mule in hair quantity.

_Outside the Sports Store… which is convenient, really…_

Bella paced aggressively outside the Sports Store. It had taken far too long to remove the sofa, and now she had lost track of Jacob.

If Jacob got to Edward first, she would have to spend hours deprogramming him, time wasted when she could have been lording the court that was the schoolyard, like an inglorious Queen.

She turned to look for Jacob, and at that moment (in slow motion) came face to face with a Cactus.

Bella Swan liked very few things. The love of a good wine, a well gagged and restrained Edward, the feel of a pelted Jacob beneath her toes. But of all the things Bella Swan admired most; it was her love of Cacti that made the shrivelled sultana in her chest beat faster.

She reached out her hand, to cup the small precious jewel in its terracotta pot, and was hit with an unbelievable force of angst and jealousy.

"Keep your goddamn whoring Hands off MY CACTUS, BITCH" yelled Jasper (whose name had to be entered into the spell check dictionary)

_Meanwhile…er, again_

Edward giggled.


End file.
